"I'm working on myself"

…with myself, for myself, all by myself

Millennials love self-improvement. It’s not uncommon to hear the phrase, “I’m working on myself”, when someone is setting goals to improve their health, relationships, or financial future. Realistic goal-setting—facing self-imposed adversity—is a good objective for adults who find themselves burdened with free time and extra resources. The vast majority of Americans have plenty of both. However, self-improvement has become such a common activity that the term “working on myself” has become overused and trite when unaccompanied with defined goals or personal responsibility. The term is often used by (perennially single) women as an excuse to ignore a mounting pile of interpersonal or financial problems, and the phrase is declared with a devil-may-care attitude which discourages others’ advice or criticism.

Good goal-setting can be described using the SMART acronym: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. An example might be: I want to lose ten pounds in 16 weeks in order to improve my health and body-image, and I will accomplish this goal by not buying/eating empty carbs and by attending a fitness class at least 3 times a week. Or another example that I have never heard anyone say, but that many women would do well to adopt: I want to stop fighting with my boyfriend/husband to improve the longevity and quality of our relationship, so for the next month, I will not criticize his decisions, and I will not raise my voice when I am disagreeing with him.

This kind of planning and goal-setting is far more likely to succeed than its opposite: the nebulous phrase, “I’m working on myself”, which is declared proudly by young Western women everywhere. The vague statement can be offered as justification for a litany of indulgent self-care routines and a selfish disregard of responsibilities that actually need improvement. It doesn’t help that women are bombarded with societal messages of self-love, untempered by the sting of personal responsibility.

Bad examples of “working on yourself”:

• “I ended my relationship so I could work on myself” (this article says it all)

• Only accepting positivity from the people in your life, and rejecting all forms of criticism or negative feedback about your decisions

• Prioritizing your happiness above everything else (aka “putting yourself first”)

• Demanding unconditional acceptance from others for…

  • How you look (weight, clothing choices, personal grooming)

  • What you say and how you say it

  • Your past mistakes, including…

    • Your relationship choices (number of sexual partners, being a single mother, choosing bad partners, etc)

  • Your over-inflated view of your own worth

All of these examples deserve their own article, and we’ll be exploring these harmful messages in later posts, but let’s focus on the common denominator in each example: It’s all about you.

What is the purpose of working on yourself if not to improve the relationships in your life, or to build relationships if you don’t have any? Assuming there are no other serious problems in your relationship, why would you break up with your significant other just to have more time to yourself? The second best time to learn to be a wife is by acting like a wife; the first best would have been by watching your mother model wife-like behavior. In an ideal world, a mother would have hopefully taught you that committed relationships require dutiful attention and upkeep.

The unimportance of your feelings

It’s not that your feelings are not important—they’re just not important to other people who are not already emotionally invested in you. You may feel that it shouldn’t matter to a potential partner how many other people you’ve slept with, and you may feel that being overweight shouldn’t make you less attractive, but you cannot control how people perceive you. It takes two to tango, and unless you plan on being alone forever, you have to accept that other people are not required to participate in your self-love.

People do not owe you emotional validation as a prerequisite to existing in your presence.

Women should want to be attractive to others, as a potential wife or friend, or as a shining example to follow. Feminists may be surprised to learn that the attributes which characterize femininity—serving others, hospitality, generosity, kindness, and faithfulness—are also the behaviors that bring the most fulfillment and happiness to a woman. The common theme in these traits is that they take place in the context of relationship with others, not in a self-love vacuum. A woman cannot fully live into her femininity while ignoring her most important relationships. In other words, it can’t be all about her.

The opposite behavior, selfishness and only thinking of oneself, is a long road of momentary pleasures and distractions that leads directly to misery.

Working on the Feminine self

Popular methods of self-improvement, i.e. finishing a degree, pursuing a dream job, or taking up a new skincare routine, are excellent adult activities to pursue. But a woman’s worth cannot be measured in material currency like money, prestige, or temporary beauty. And while a woman cannot control how people perceive her, leaning into her innate feminine nature will attract the most desirable kind of attention and bring happiness to everyone in her vicinity, including herself.

Working on yourself should be understood as fully living into your femininity. It requires careful attention to be placed on the relationships in your life, and listening to feedback that points to problem areas. Be receptive to opportunities to be a better wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, or even unknowing role model.

Conclusion

The methods of working on oneself are broad and far-reaching, but women are often better at setting achievable goals for material objectives than they are at recognizing the importance of improving themselves in the context of their relationships. The most valuable and rewarding self-improvement does not take place in a vacuum of selfish and hedonistic indulgence, regardless of how much you feel you deserve it. It is impossible to really improve yourself in the endless feedback loop of your own mind; working on yourself requires objective assessment from outside sources, and it’s your responsibility to cultivate the kinds of healthy relationships that provide constructive feedback that you can use.